Grace

Grace is such an important part of being happy that I think it deserves more attention in the class. People waste their whole lives being bitter and resentful. If the benefits of forgiving were made more public in our culture I believe that we would see a significant decrease in the amount of unhappy, angry, depressed people in society. It takes a lot to forgive (a lot), but when the consequences of holding on to negative feelings are weighed, I truly believe that we owe it to ourselves to let go, even when there isn’t any reason to do so. I’m not saying that we should have to keep toxic people in our lives. It is always o.k. and best to walk away from abusive situations whether emotional or physical. All I am saying is that once we have been violated, there is nothing that can change this; it happened. The only thing left to do is decide what we want to do with our feelings, and I think the best choice is always forgiveness because it frees our heart from the pain. A lot of people are struggling with this right now, and I think the subject should be given more focus.

We should have to rotate our responses from week to week in order to be fair

My favorite thing about this class was our discussions. I loved reading my blog responses. Everyone in class is so encouraging and friendly. It was almost like a little secret getaway from my husband and kids where I could have short exchanges with others that were sharing in my class experience. My least favorite thing about the class was noticing when others did not have comments on their blogs. I don’t know if they cared, but I did. I tried to visit everyone’s blog at least once throughout the course. I know that our responses were not structured in this way because there is no way of ensuring that students are going to do the assigned postings, but I do believe that there is a way to better ensure that no one is being left out. Maybe students should have to respond to three different classmates from the previous week. Even if they just go back and forth between six blogs, this would be better than having them visit their favorite three all semester long. In this way, students have a better chance of not being overlooked as often. I don’t know, maybe it's just the mom in me wanting everyone to get a turn. J

I learned how to be a better communicator

I am a better communicator as a result of this course. I have come to realize that I was guilty of monopolizing “continuously focusing communication on [myself] instead of listening to the person who is talking” (Wood, 153). I have since invested much effort into eliminating this ineffective listening habit. Like most, I am turned off by self-centeredness, so when I became aware that I was demonstrating this attitude through my communication I was appalled and embarrassed. No one had ever brought it to my attention (to their good, patient, and tolerant testament), but a big part of being a good communicator is self-monitoring, and I do not think you should wait until someone complains if you truly want to improve and be a good listener and friend. We all make mistakes, and we can all learn from them. A great way to support one another when we are guilty of being poor listeners is the practice of dual-perspective. Because communication can be subjective we should all attempt to practice dual-perspective in order to prevent hurt feelings whenever possible. By looking at situations from another’s perspective we can save ourselves a lot of time by understanding their point/intentions from the start; rather than having to deal with the conflict-awkwardness-explanation-understanding process. This class opened my eyes to just how big a part communication plays in every aspect of our lives. Our communication styles impact the overall success or failure of our relationships, careers, and first impressions. For this reason, everyone can benefit from courses like these. I believe that we will all profit from this investment in not only our education , but personal lives as well.

Encouraging Independence

The family life cycle is a seven stage model of family development. Stage four: Encouraging Independence is the stage that most stands out to me as a mother. The reality that I have to prepare my boys to be self-sufficient and not rely on me for success is very daunting. While I accept the fact that people who do well in life need to be independent, it still hurts to know that I need to encourage them to live their own lives because it isn’t what I want. I would love to have them to myself forever. This chapter opened my eyes to something that I was trying to ignore. They are growing up quickly, and part of loving them is making sure that they will always be o.k. It is going to be difficult for me, but I am going to have to start letting go. It is what is best for them, and that is all I really want.

In 50 years marriage will be...

I believe that the majority of marriages will be separate type relationships where independence is an important priority. With both men and women in the workforce, we are beginning to see a new kind of marriage relationship where self reliance is the norm. Divorce is becoming more common and people are not as closed minded as they once were. I believe that gay marriages will be as common as interracial marriages (these relationships were once taboo also but have rightfully gained acceptance in society). The next generation will grow up in a society that is more accepting of one another’s choices. I predict that many people will embrace the idea that life is short and that happiness should be top priority. I do not think that people will invest as much in difficult marriages knowing that second or third marriages are always an option. I think that in the next upcoming fifty years we will see a more lax approach to the sanctity of marriage, but I may be wrong.

Meet my posse:

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away...

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Family is a support system

For me family is a support system. Anyone that enables you faithfully and has given you the comfort of knowing that you can count on them for anything from confiding to protection. I believe that friends who provide this valuable support can be claimed as family, though I recognize that circumstances do not provide for all friends to support each other through thick and thin; only those who can always be relied on should be considered family in my opinion. Right now my family consists of a vital marriage/traditional marriage and we are currently in stage two of the family life cycle with two toddlers at home. My husband works and I am a stay at home mother and student for the time being. We do not apply the social exchange theory to our family dynamic. It is understood that sometimes one of us is simply going to have to do more than our fair share in order to maintain family stability. These differences in contribution may be attributed to my exhaustion, my husband’s lack of presence due to work, viruses, external stresses, family emergencies, etc. We respect and accept the fact that our marriage is more than give and take. We are a supportive unit that allows us the privilege to take when we cannot give, and give when the other is unable. For us, it is quite rare for the give and take to be balanced on both ends. If we were to focus on this, I believe that we would find ourselves dissatisfied and resentful. It is much easier to give when you see it as an honor to help your loved one than an obligation.

Styles of Loving

Chapter 11 states that people identify with their own experiences when defining love. I definitely agree with this. Prior to meeting my husband I was quite vocal about my skepticism when it came to love at first sight. It was not until I personally experienced it for myself with my husband that I was willing to accept love at first sight as a real phenomenon. This just goes to show that we should trust one another’s personal accounts of love and celebrate them instead of questioning or scoffing at them. Love is wonderful and comes in all kinds of forms as we have learned in this chapter. Instead of trying to contain it in a box we should embrace it in all its forms. There is no right or wrong way when it comes to love. Methodical love is no less exciting than dangerous love, and long distance relationships are no less fulfilling than couples who are together 24/7. The key is to decide what works for you and forget about worrying about who likes it or not.

Healthy relationships are both loving and committed

I have never experienced love outside of my relationship with my husband and thankfully it has always been both a loving and committed one. This is not to say that marriage is easy. People who suggest that it is are irresponsible because they discourage newlyweds who tend to compare their relationships with others. Marriage relies heavily on investments and the benefits follow. In marriage, one should enter with the expectations of giving and hold off on focusing on the perks. That said, I have observed many relationships that lack love and/or commitment. These types of relationships seem to be all around us. Either both people do not fully invest, or one person is left wanting more than the other is willing to offer. In either event these relationships are not satisfying because both parties deserve more. It is only once these relationships foster both love and commitment that they begin to grow and prosper. If both cannot be achieved than serious options need to be considered and the issue should be seriously addressed.

Deception: while unethical, is no excuse for allowing oneself to be deceived

Personally, I believe that deceitful people can infest any environment whether it be online or face-to-face. Obviously a forty-five year old man cannot convince someone that he is a twenty-three year old woman in a face-to-face interaction; that said, deception should be just as likely in both circumstances because they involve human interactions, and a large percentage of people practice deceit as a tactic for personal gain. Is this ethical? No. Is it an excuse to be gullible? No. While the reality of deception is unfortunate for people like myself who believe that honesty is the best policy, it does not change the fact that people misrepresent themselves every single day. Consequently, it is our responsibility to “find” the truth in given situations. It is foolish to believe everything that we are being told, especially when it contradicts our experiences. When what someone is saying does not match up to their behavior, one should rely more heavily on the behavior for truth than on the verbal exchange. Since it is common knowledge that people are deceptive, it is each person’s responsibility to uncover the truth for themselves. Although deception is never ethical, it does not change the fact that deceptive people are all around us both online and in face-to-face interactions. This common knowledge makes it all the more difficult to play the victim after being deceived because in hindsight, after reflecting on any given circumstance, signs and warnings are usually apparent. A couple of good rules for both men and women are DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR, ALWAYS PRACTICE GOOD JUDGMENT, and TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

Elaborating on Chapter 10 with the Friendship Page

Like chapter 10, the Friendship Page offers advice on how to maintain friendships and deal with issues that may arise. Overall, promoting successful, respectful, safe relationships between two unrelated people appears to be the theme between the two. Both the book and web page address physical attraction between friends and how to manage these feelings when they arise. If both sources address this issue, it must be a significant one. I can only imagine how awkward a friendship can become if this issue is not addressed appropriately. The risks are high when considering the possibility of losing a confidant. If the desire is not addressed however, one person is left tortured with unfulfilled feelings. This can lead to strong dissatisfaction which can introduce new tensions to an already uncomfortable situation. The best thing in such cases is to be open and honest. Not only is it fair to your friend and your friendship, but it is also fair to yourself. It is better to deal with disappointment than live with “what if’s”.

Investments in Friendship

My best friend and I met in the eighth grade. Though our lives have taken different paths-I am married with children and do not work and she is unmarried with no children and does work-we still seem to have so much in common. We don’t like to talk negatively about people who are having a hard time. We always try to find the reason for someone’s bad choice or behavior (stress, lack of happiness, immaturity). We do not hide our bad experiences; we share everything. We do not judge each other. We never try to “out-do” each other (when she bought her car I was sincerely happy and did not feel the need to upgrade; when I filled my home with new décor she did not feel the need to redo hers). We respect the people in our lives. When someone mistreats us we do not tell one another to cut them off because we are aware that family and friends are loved and we do not want to “badmouth” anyone that we care about. These common values and rules have allowed us to keep investing in our friendship. We have learned that we can trust one another. Throughout the whole of our friendship we have never violated our trust. This chapter conveyed a lot of the aspects of our relationship. We demonstrate closeness through dialogue and our relationship evolved through stages. This chapter reminded me how lucky I am to have her in my life.

Personal Changes

Friendships are affected by both internal tensions and external pressures. I think the most relatable of these two types of friendship risk factors is personal changes because change is inevitable. We all grow into new chapters of our lives and these transitions bring forth new insights, interests, perspectives, and attitudes. A party friend is not as essential for someone who is over the party scene; and someone who is over the party scene is not as useful to someone who parties four times a week. There are many reasons why friendships evolve or fail. Personal changes can greatly affect a friendship because these changes introduce new conditions that must either be accepted or rejected. Pregnancies, careers, relocating, etc. all impact friendship. The extent to which the friendship is affected deals primarily with whether maintaining the relationship is worth the effort. If it is a strong friendship such personal changes will not create sufficient change to alter it in any significant manner.

Autonomy/Connection Dialectic

The most important concept of this entire book for me is the autonomy/connection dialectic. Had I known that it is normal for people in a relationship to want different levels of independence and closeness I would have been able to better understand my relationship with my husband, and would have handled my frustrations very differently. For the most part I prefer personal time and space because I’ve always preferred a good book over a juicy conversation. My husband on the other hand has always taken my need for personal space personally, and I have exhausted myself trying to explain something that I myself could not define before reading this chapter. I now know that what I feel is normal and have the proper response for this issue. I can share what I have learned with my husband and enlighten him on the issue in a manner that I have not been able to on my own. Quality time with the one you love is precious, and so is quality time with yourself. J

Confirming even when we disagree

I do not find it difficult to confirm others because I have grown up with friends who practice different religions, prefer different types of foods than I do, and/or are culturally different; and I have had to learn from early on that in order to protect the feelings of those I care about I have to maintain an open mind, even (most importantly) when I do not necessarily agree or absolutely disagree with their views and actions. Confirming others demonstrates our ability to be considerate, thoughtful, and understanding. We should always confirm others by demonstrating that their cares are valid and worth our time, but we do not have to endorse their ideas or perspectives. Caring about someone does not mean that we have to deny our ideas and perspectives and adopt theirs. It means that we care enough about them to discuss their opposing ideas and perspectives in a non-judgmental environment despite our own different beliefs.

Disconfirming Communication

The other day I was talking to my younger brother about the stress I was filling with school, household duties, and the kids and he told me that it was basically my fault for letting everything build up at once. It was a classic case of evaluative communication (judgmental responses). I was not complaining about my life, I was looking for an outlet. I am very happy with my life.  He simply did not give me the opportunity to express my overwhelming feeling of responsibility. I was not defensive, just hurt at how easily I had been disconfirmed, especially because I always make myself available to offer my brothers support and encouragement. When I turned to my other brother for support with the feelings of rejection my younger brother left me feeling, he just told me to get over it and that it was nothing to cry about. His neutrality (lack of caring) left me awed at both of their disregard for my feelings. Feeling stressed with one’s day to day life is not a big issue, but their responses were. I expected more from them, and I am kind of upset with myself for allowing them that much power over my emotions. When it was all said and done my feeling of disconfirmation had transformed into strong defensiveness that left me questioning whether they are people I will turn to for support in the near future.

Be sensitive to others emotions

The concept of responding sensitively when others communicate emotions is so true. You don’t have to necessarily accept or even agree with what someone is expressing, but you should always be supportive and compassionate. One of my biggest regrets is a reaction I had to one of my closest friend’s conversations. She had called looking for a friend to lend support and got a judgmental lecture instead. Mid conversation I felt her devastation and I knew her fragile state couldn’t handle my reaction affirming she had made a horrible mistake. I realized that she regretted her choice and only wanted consoling. I tried to do my best to backtrack, but she was already cut to pieces. She never said anything, she was quiet the whole time, but I knew she was deeply hurt. Hurt by her irreversible consequences, hurt by her disappointment, hurt by my reaction, just plain hurt by it all. This conversation happened over five years ago and I can still feel her pain from the other end of the receiver. I know that I was just a minute factor in what she was feeling at the time, but for me it’s like I caused all of her sadness. I hope you all try your best to respond sensitively to others emotions because if someone looks to you for support it is because you have demonstrated that you can provide it. Don’t let them or yourself down by behaving insensitively, you never know when you’ll be needing a shoulder to cry on. I love my friend and I should have just listened no matter how dumb I thought she had acted.

Fear will no longer hinder my life

Fear of catastrophic failure is one of my fallacies. It stops me from taking my children to festivals because I think what if someone starts a fight and then a panic erupts and my children get trampled? or I don’t know who’s who at these events. Child molesters probably go to these places because of the crowds and confusion. I have never experienced a riot or misplaced my children. After reading this chapter I realized that these irrational thoughts actually hinder my families right to enjoy life. My husband already knows not to suggest that we go out to a local carnival because I will reject it for “safety reasons”. This is not fair to him, our children, or myself because we are sheltering ourselves from a “what if”, and I have just realized that “what if’s” aren’t real. I am definitely going to try and overcome this fallacy by enjoying the next festival that comes around with my family and feel it out. If we find that we don’t enjoy them, that’s o.k., at least we tried it out. If we have one of our “best day’s ever” then the venture will be well worth it. I am going to encourage myself not to live in fear of the worst and live my life to the fullest because it is what is best for me and my family, and I will always do what I can to make sure my family is safe and happy. J

Perspectives on Emotions

Four popular perspectives on emotions are the Organismic View of Emotions, Perceptual View of Emotions, Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions, and the Interactive View of Emotions.  Organismic View of Emotions perceives emotions as instinctual. Seeing someone coming towards you with a knife (external stimuli) causes your heart to race and your mind to go blank (physiological arousal) which is observed as the emotion of fear. The Perceptual View of Emotions asserts that subjective perceptions dictate how we respond to situations. A raised fist might be perceived as a threat to one person and a symbol of racial pride to another. The Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions elaborates on the Perceptual View of Emotions by incorporating labels to our physiological responses which influence how we interpret those responses. Trembling hands are labeled according to an individuals perception of the reaction. People who label trembling hands as a sign of excitement will feel excited when their hands tremble. People who label trembling hands as a sign of anxiety will feel anxiety when their hands tremble.  The Interactive View of Emotions seems to be the most accurate of the four perspectives introduced in chapter 7. The Interactive View of Emotions incorporates the other three perspectives, elaborates on their concepts, and more importantly focuses on the impact of social factors on emotions; ultimately creating a well-formed 3 concept perspective consisting of: 1.) Framing Rules, 2.) Feeling Rules, 3.) Emotion Work.

1.) Framing Rules: cultural definitions for the emotional meaning of situations (for example funerals are either sad, joyous, somber, celebratory, etc. depending on specific cultural outlooks).
2.) Feeling Rules: what feelings are right or wrong (for example it is wrong to feel resentful for a friend’s good fortune).
3.)Emotion Work: an effort to generate feelings deemed appropriate (for example telling yourself you should be happy for your friend’s good fortune because that is what good friends feel).

This perspective allows us to focus on how we perceive, label, and respond emotionally in our day-to-day lives. We may perceive a young girl’s pregnancy as unfortunate while others may see it as a blessing. We may label strong feelings of aggression as anger while others may label it as frustration. We may respond correctly or incorrectly to situations in our lives; while all people feel anger, not everyone loses their self control. The Interactive View of Emotions allows for growth and improvement and this is why I navigate towards it. I believe that everyone has an opportunity to change for the better, and this perspective seems to be the only one that incorporates the possibility for improvement through its third concept focusing on emotion work.

Somebody help me, I'm a monopolizer!

We have all used some form of nonlistening in our communication with others. I know that I am guilty of monopolizing which is basically one’s own self-centered approach to maintain the discussion on themselves. I have spent so much time isolated from adults as a stay at home mom, that when a friend comes by I am so excited and relieved to share what has been building up in my mind that I can’t control myself. My friends laugh and point it out (so I guess they are not oblivious to my nonlistening), but they make me feel o.k. about it. I know this habit can’t continue for too long, but for now, it is almost like an escape…I need to be heard. J I am just grateful that I have people around me who still want to visit even though I am an avid monopolizing nonlistener. As soon as my boys allow me time for myself I plan on letting go of this annoying listening style.

Taco is "Taco" in any language

          The International Listening Association inspired me to invest in my listening skills because as it states, success or failure throughout life is often dependent on how well or poorly we listen. Several tips were recommended in order to improve and polish our listening skills such as minimizing mind wandering, using patience with less than impressive speakers, keeping your mind on the topic discussion, and focusing on key points rather than minute details. Of all the tips provided, I was most intrigued by the ILA’s second tip: Judge Content, not delivery. I responded to it because I could relate.
          You see, before I met my husband, my Spanish was extremely limited. Like most teens I worked in retail during High School, and because I am Chicana most Spanish speaking customers assumed I spoke the language. I ALWAYS made an effort to communicate through interpretation J or broken translations (I’d offer poor Spanish, and they’d offer poor English) and we managed to succeed every time. When I started dating my husband who’s first language is Spanish we began frequenting Mexican restaurants. I would order my two tacos and the waitresses would look at me with bewilderment as though they had no idea what I was saying. My husband (then boyfriend) would take over and place my order for me. I remember feeling awkward (not embarrassed) about my American accent and being discouraged by a new self-consciousness that I had never had before.
          Now that I can communicate in Spanish with the best of them I realize that no matter how “American” my accent might have been, there is no way those waitresses could not have understood me when I said taco. They were simply reflecting their own insecurities onto me through the little opportunity that they had. There were many waitresses who were kind and patient, and I feel glad for them because I know they are secure within themselves just as I was when I tried to make those who did not speak fluent English feel comfortable.  Looking back, those not-so-nice waitresses would really benefit from this tip (pardon the pun). J

Supportive listening is the only way for me

Listening to support others consists of four simple concepts. The first is Be Mindful which requires listeners to essentially “read between the lines”. One shouldn’t focus so much on what is being said, but rather what is being conveyed. The second is Be Careful of Expressing Judgments which requires listeners to put aside their self-centeredness and avoid judgmental comments. The third is Understand the Other Person’s Perspective which requires listeners take on the responsibility of avoiding miscommunication and misunderstanding by asking communicators to be as specific and clear as possible. The last concept is Express Support which requires listeners to offer support whether they agree or not! I always knew what type of friends I could do without, but I never knew how to classify them exactly. They were girlfriends who never left me feeling bad about myself exactly, but still nonetheless always feeling something uneasy, unsure, unsatisfied. In reviewing this concept I have since discovered that the types of friends, family, and acquaintances that I want to surround myself with are termed: Supportive listeners. Supportive listeners leave you feeling safe because you are not being judged and understood because they invest effort into trying to understand your perspective. I am proud to say that I have always been a supportive listener and didn’t even know it.

Stop the hate

Hate speech walks a very fine line between both sides of the law. Hate speech is allowed when it does not incite violence or prejudicial actions against others. This means that anyone can spew out racist, homophobic, sexist, or any other disparaging comments without fear of consequences because they are protected under the US’ first Amendment to freedom of speech. There are websites that are dedicated to spreading hateful messages commonly known as hate sites. There is much debate on whether to censor the Internet or not, and how. I personally feel that anything that is intended to inflict any harm on another should be illegal. No one has the right to advocate hate. We all deserve to be treated with respect or be left alone. So many young teens are committing suicide because they are not mentally prepared to deal with such issues as hate speech. What a terrible ordeal to have to be discovering your sexuality while being accosted for it before even being able to fully understand it yourself. People should always have the right to disagree and uphold their personal beliefs; but they should not be able to stop you from existing simply because you feel, look, believe, or act differently. We need to do our part and confront hate speech head on. Every single time it is spoken in our presence we need to call the person on it and let them know that it is unacceptable. It won’t work every time, but at least it is a start.

American society is like a...

          I would love to say that melting pot or a beautiful rainbow best describes our society, but in order to do this I would have to ignore cultural, social, and racial divides that are very real and affect people every single day. I can say that I wish our society was a melting pot or beautiful rainbow. I would love for my children to grow up being judged on merit and not by who they know, what they look like, or beliefs that they hold; but our society as a whole would have to become a lot more accepting in a very short amount of time for this to happen.
          Considering where we are and how far we’ve come from where we started (we have made a lot of progress) I would say we are like a pizza. Everyone has finally come to accept that different people are here to stay whether they like it or not. Like a pizza, unfortunately, people can still fairly easily associate with groups of their choice, and avoid others completely. The rich can still play with the rich, the blacks can still play with the blacks, the girls can still play with the girls without having to answer to anyone as to why their circle isn’t more diverse. People can order whatever toppings they want on a pizza, or no toppings at all, and each and every possible combination is still a pizza. People can surround themselves with different classes, races, and genders and know that they will be identified as an American. People can also hold racist beliefs and isolate themselves to only their group and also know that they will be identified as American. Whatever love or hate that we want to share does not make us more or less American. There are some of us who are more accepting of people in general just as there are pizzas with more toppings than others. Some people say that they hate anchovies without ever having tasted one; they explain that the thought, or the smell just repulses them. Let us ask ourselves who are our “anchovies” and is it o.k. for us not to like them without “trying” them first?

That's not what I meant

          Ambiguity can lead to misunderstandings and confusion because it relies on one’s interpretation; and interpretation has infinite possibilities. In order to limit miscommunication we should be more specific. Instead of telling your sister you hate her, you should try: “you are so much prettier than I am, you have so many friends, mom and dad love you best, and I am so jealous of you!” J I’m joking of course because no one should hate their brother/sister. ¬ This here, is exactly what I am talking about, and it wasn’t even planned. None of you know me, and I did not want to assume that you would all understand my humor; so I followed this example of how to be more specific with an explanation/aclaration so as not to leave any of you with the idea that this was intended as a true suggestion or even a real experience of mine ( I don‘t have a sister). Why did I do this? I am aware that there is the possibility that someone might be feeling insecure around one of their siblings, I am aware that people like to assume that others interject personal experiences into their examples, and I am aware of the possibility that you may have “got it” and just didn’t appreciate it, and I did not want to come off as arrogant (I think my sister is jealous of me) or insensitive (I am making light of a real issue).
          So I guess ambiguity is more prominent than I was planning to argue…I couldn’t even get past the intro. J The point is you should always protect yourself when communicating with others by ensuring that you are being understood the way you want to be. Not only will you save time (you won’t have to re-explain yourself) you will nurture your relationships (we regret offending people when it is done on purpose, but when it is done unintentionally it is just sad and unnecessary). So be clear and precise.

BREAK THE CYCLE!

          There are four basic attachment styles. Secure which fosters self-confidence and trust, Fearful which fosters insecurities, Dismissive which fosters superiority complexes, and Anxious/ambivalent which fosters emotional instability. I always knew that my upbringing affected me, but I could never find the words to express just how exactly. The section on attachment styles really spoke to me. I found an accurate description of my mother’s caregiving style, and the attachment style that ensued seemed to describe me just as a lifelong friend would. While I was always aware of her parenting style, I was never aware of the concrete affects her behaviors had on me until I came face to face with them on the page. For those who have enjoyed or practice secure attachment styles: you are very fortunate and keep up the good work. For those who have not: it is never too late to forgive and move on. If you find yourself mistreating your children try to remember that they are innocent and trusting, and that your actions do have lasting consequences on their lives. I am so proud to say that I am the mother of two young boys and I am providing them with a secure environment despite not having one of my own.

Twenty isn't what it used to be

          I personally enjoyed this exercise very much. Not only did it give me an opportunity to spend time with people who probably would not have been my first choice, it reminded me of how lucky I am to be an able bodied, independent, unconfined, liberated woman. In reviewing my “research” J , I found that the couple who were 40 years older than me had it much rougher in their twenties than we did. Men were the breadwinners and were expected to get the job done without complaining. Women were homemakers who did not fathom the idea of equality. They had to care for the men, children, and home cheerfully. Men were expected to handle their problems on their own. It was not an option to go out and ask for help because times were getting too stressful. Men were expected to maintain their household without handouts, so there wasn’t too much time to dream of goals other than providing for the wife and kids. Women were expected to be polite and “lady-like” at all times. It was unheard of to go out with friends and ignore their duties at home. They were expected to rear as many children as possible and behave as good Christians. Single at 20 was an embarrassment to the woman and her family. It was unacceptable to publicly date casually for both men and women.
          The couple that I spoke to that was 20 years older than me didn’t seem to have it as rigorous in my opinion. The men were still expected to work and be the breadwinners, but they were also allowed leisure time with friends and associates. It was not acceptable for men to speak freely about their feelings or lounge around and do nothing with their days. Same sex relationships were taboo. Women were allowed the freedom to play with personal fashion and their appearance. They were free to go shopping with friends and host dinner parties. Women were not expected to be smarter than a man. Aspirations of women’s equality were rejected and frowned upon. If a woman became too vocal she was ostracized.
          20 year olds of today seem to be living in an entirely different world than their predecessors. Most 20 year olds do not have to worry about marriage or children until they are nearing their 30’s. Women in their 20’s have no qualms about expressing their perceived superiority over men, and men passively seem to accept their assertions for the most part (not to say that they necessarily agree with this). Women and men in their 20’s enjoy competing with one another on their level playing field. Men in their 20’s are free to complain about any and everything whether it is a loss in a game, a fight with a girlfriend, or some sort of car trouble. Staying out all night with friends is the norm for both men and women. If you are not invited out on “Friday night” you feel left out. This is a far cry from what previous generations concerned themselves with. 20 year olds in this day and age have uninhibited freedom. I don’t know if the freedom to do what one pleases at 20 is a curse or a blessing. Structure is great as long as it is not inhibiting. We are trusting 20 year olds to make responsible decisions that will impact their futures. May they make the most of their free will and always be safe and conscious of their repercussions.

Race does not define us

Race is part of our own personal identity. Just as instrumental in our identification as whether we are popular or unpopular, single or in a relationship, or living comfortably or struggling day to day. These classifications allow others to get a sense of who we are without having any type of personal interaction with us. Racial classifications just aren’t fair because they allow others to generalize us; and each of us is unique in our own special way. Generalizations are dangerous because they can come with stereotypes. Unfortunately stereotypes are a prominent stigma in how we perceive race: Mexican men rely on “machismo” to assert themselves, Black people are great at sports, Chinese people are good with finances, Jewish men make great husbands, etc., etc., etc. What does this mean, do, or serve? I am the mother of two well-rounded Chicano boys and they are not macho. They don’t even know what macho means. I have played basketball with my friend Maurice (who happens to be black) and it was not a memorable experience, and my co-worker Lizelle’s (Chinese) Macy’s, Sear’s, and Target cards are all maxed out. I don’t think race is a good way to classify people because race doesn’t come with concrete definitions. “Good” classifiers are personal characteristics because they are definitive: honest/dishonest, monogamous/promiscuous, friendly/unfriendly, caring/uncaring, generous/stingy, etc. These are characteristics that we all possess and accurately define who we are. We are either honest or dishonest. The great thing about these types of identifiers is that they are not set in stone as in the case of race. We are born “brown” and will die “brown” (or white, yellow, red, black, etc.). We can be promiscuous at one point in our lives and monogamous during another chapter of our lives. We are evolving, growing, maturing, and “bettering ourselves” every step of the way. It is not fair to carry an identifier our whole lives that has no definitive significance. Racial pride is a good thing to have but should not have anything to do with who we are intrinsically. For this reason I believe that we should be allowed to check more than one race on the Census Bureau if we identify with more than one (as is the case with most of us). In having to choose one race to best classify ourselves we are being forced to deny the rest of ourselves (even if only in the checking of a box). We should be proud of who we are and where we come from. There is no just cause to deny anything that we are not ashamed of even through an act as minute as the checking of a box on a Census Bureau.

Never take anything that is worthwhile lightly

Hello everyone, this is all new to me.  Not only am I back in school after a five year hiatus, this is also my first online class (had to remind myself that I didn't need a notebook).  I thought Spring of 07 was going to be it for me, I even participated in my class' grad ceremony (by the way I am totally looking forward to doing it again this Spring)...no shame. :)  What happened was I had a 3.4 overall GPA all through 06.  I fell in love with my now husband, and all of a sudden I was too cool for school.  I didn't care when the F's started coming in because I knew they wouldn't affect me (or so I thought).  When I checked in on my progress, big shot here finds out that her overall GPA is now 2.7 and her SJSU GPA is 1.99!  Go ahead and laugh, the wound has healed. :)  Consequently, I now find myself here with two toddlers helping me out every step of the way (as you can only imagine).  I'm not upset with myself anymore though.  I am actually looking forward to this semester.  I think if I had qualified for graduation after an entire year of irresponsible disregard for my studies it would have ended up hurting me in the long run.  I can guarantee you that I will never again take anything that is worthwhile to me lightly again; and if getting to know all of you through this class is "the worst of it" (it's all my pleasure), I think this might just be the best mistake of my life.  So here's to our class and the .01 I need to get this show on the road.  Good luck guys...in everything!