Autonomy/Connection Dialectic

The most important concept of this entire book for me is the autonomy/connection dialectic. Had I known that it is normal for people in a relationship to want different levels of independence and closeness I would have been able to better understand my relationship with my husband, and would have handled my frustrations very differently. For the most part I prefer personal time and space because I’ve always preferred a good book over a juicy conversation. My husband on the other hand has always taken my need for personal space personally, and I have exhausted myself trying to explain something that I myself could not define before reading this chapter. I now know that what I feel is normal and have the proper response for this issue. I can share what I have learned with my husband and enlighten him on the issue in a manner that I have not been able to on my own. Quality time with the one you love is precious, and so is quality time with yourself. J

Confirming even when we disagree

I do not find it difficult to confirm others because I have grown up with friends who practice different religions, prefer different types of foods than I do, and/or are culturally different; and I have had to learn from early on that in order to protect the feelings of those I care about I have to maintain an open mind, even (most importantly) when I do not necessarily agree or absolutely disagree with their views and actions. Confirming others demonstrates our ability to be considerate, thoughtful, and understanding. We should always confirm others by demonstrating that their cares are valid and worth our time, but we do not have to endorse their ideas or perspectives. Caring about someone does not mean that we have to deny our ideas and perspectives and adopt theirs. It means that we care enough about them to discuss their opposing ideas and perspectives in a non-judgmental environment despite our own different beliefs.

Disconfirming Communication

The other day I was talking to my younger brother about the stress I was filling with school, household duties, and the kids and he told me that it was basically my fault for letting everything build up at once. It was a classic case of evaluative communication (judgmental responses). I was not complaining about my life, I was looking for an outlet. I am very happy with my life.  He simply did not give me the opportunity to express my overwhelming feeling of responsibility. I was not defensive, just hurt at how easily I had been disconfirmed, especially because I always make myself available to offer my brothers support and encouragement. When I turned to my other brother for support with the feelings of rejection my younger brother left me feeling, he just told me to get over it and that it was nothing to cry about. His neutrality (lack of caring) left me awed at both of their disregard for my feelings. Feeling stressed with one’s day to day life is not a big issue, but their responses were. I expected more from them, and I am kind of upset with myself for allowing them that much power over my emotions. When it was all said and done my feeling of disconfirmation had transformed into strong defensiveness that left me questioning whether they are people I will turn to for support in the near future.

Be sensitive to others emotions

The concept of responding sensitively when others communicate emotions is so true. You don’t have to necessarily accept or even agree with what someone is expressing, but you should always be supportive and compassionate. One of my biggest regrets is a reaction I had to one of my closest friend’s conversations. She had called looking for a friend to lend support and got a judgmental lecture instead. Mid conversation I felt her devastation and I knew her fragile state couldn’t handle my reaction affirming she had made a horrible mistake. I realized that she regretted her choice and only wanted consoling. I tried to do my best to backtrack, but she was already cut to pieces. She never said anything, she was quiet the whole time, but I knew she was deeply hurt. Hurt by her irreversible consequences, hurt by her disappointment, hurt by my reaction, just plain hurt by it all. This conversation happened over five years ago and I can still feel her pain from the other end of the receiver. I know that I was just a minute factor in what she was feeling at the time, but for me it’s like I caused all of her sadness. I hope you all try your best to respond sensitively to others emotions because if someone looks to you for support it is because you have demonstrated that you can provide it. Don’t let them or yourself down by behaving insensitively, you never know when you’ll be needing a shoulder to cry on. I love my friend and I should have just listened no matter how dumb I thought she had acted.

Fear will no longer hinder my life

Fear of catastrophic failure is one of my fallacies. It stops me from taking my children to festivals because I think what if someone starts a fight and then a panic erupts and my children get trampled? or I don’t know who’s who at these events. Child molesters probably go to these places because of the crowds and confusion. I have never experienced a riot or misplaced my children. After reading this chapter I realized that these irrational thoughts actually hinder my families right to enjoy life. My husband already knows not to suggest that we go out to a local carnival because I will reject it for “safety reasons”. This is not fair to him, our children, or myself because we are sheltering ourselves from a “what if”, and I have just realized that “what if’s” aren’t real. I am definitely going to try and overcome this fallacy by enjoying the next festival that comes around with my family and feel it out. If we find that we don’t enjoy them, that’s o.k., at least we tried it out. If we have one of our “best day’s ever” then the venture will be well worth it. I am going to encourage myself not to live in fear of the worst and live my life to the fullest because it is what is best for me and my family, and I will always do what I can to make sure my family is safe and happy. J

Perspectives on Emotions

Four popular perspectives on emotions are the Organismic View of Emotions, Perceptual View of Emotions, Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions, and the Interactive View of Emotions.  Organismic View of Emotions perceives emotions as instinctual. Seeing someone coming towards you with a knife (external stimuli) causes your heart to race and your mind to go blank (physiological arousal) which is observed as the emotion of fear. The Perceptual View of Emotions asserts that subjective perceptions dictate how we respond to situations. A raised fist might be perceived as a threat to one person and a symbol of racial pride to another. The Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions elaborates on the Perceptual View of Emotions by incorporating labels to our physiological responses which influence how we interpret those responses. Trembling hands are labeled according to an individuals perception of the reaction. People who label trembling hands as a sign of excitement will feel excited when their hands tremble. People who label trembling hands as a sign of anxiety will feel anxiety when their hands tremble.  The Interactive View of Emotions seems to be the most accurate of the four perspectives introduced in chapter 7. The Interactive View of Emotions incorporates the other three perspectives, elaborates on their concepts, and more importantly focuses on the impact of social factors on emotions; ultimately creating a well-formed 3 concept perspective consisting of: 1.) Framing Rules, 2.) Feeling Rules, 3.) Emotion Work.

1.) Framing Rules: cultural definitions for the emotional meaning of situations (for example funerals are either sad, joyous, somber, celebratory, etc. depending on specific cultural outlooks).
2.) Feeling Rules: what feelings are right or wrong (for example it is wrong to feel resentful for a friend’s good fortune).
3.)Emotion Work: an effort to generate feelings deemed appropriate (for example telling yourself you should be happy for your friend’s good fortune because that is what good friends feel).

This perspective allows us to focus on how we perceive, label, and respond emotionally in our day-to-day lives. We may perceive a young girl’s pregnancy as unfortunate while others may see it as a blessing. We may label strong feelings of aggression as anger while others may label it as frustration. We may respond correctly or incorrectly to situations in our lives; while all people feel anger, not everyone loses their self control. The Interactive View of Emotions allows for growth and improvement and this is why I navigate towards it. I believe that everyone has an opportunity to change for the better, and this perspective seems to be the only one that incorporates the possibility for improvement through its third concept focusing on emotion work.

Somebody help me, I'm a monopolizer!

We have all used some form of nonlistening in our communication with others. I know that I am guilty of monopolizing which is basically one’s own self-centered approach to maintain the discussion on themselves. I have spent so much time isolated from adults as a stay at home mom, that when a friend comes by I am so excited and relieved to share what has been building up in my mind that I can’t control myself. My friends laugh and point it out (so I guess they are not oblivious to my nonlistening), but they make me feel o.k. about it. I know this habit can’t continue for too long, but for now, it is almost like an escape…I need to be heard. J I am just grateful that I have people around me who still want to visit even though I am an avid monopolizing nonlistener. As soon as my boys allow me time for myself I plan on letting go of this annoying listening style.

Taco is "Taco" in any language

          The International Listening Association inspired me to invest in my listening skills because as it states, success or failure throughout life is often dependent on how well or poorly we listen. Several tips were recommended in order to improve and polish our listening skills such as minimizing mind wandering, using patience with less than impressive speakers, keeping your mind on the topic discussion, and focusing on key points rather than minute details. Of all the tips provided, I was most intrigued by the ILA’s second tip: Judge Content, not delivery. I responded to it because I could relate.
          You see, before I met my husband, my Spanish was extremely limited. Like most teens I worked in retail during High School, and because I am Chicana most Spanish speaking customers assumed I spoke the language. I ALWAYS made an effort to communicate through interpretation J or broken translations (I’d offer poor Spanish, and they’d offer poor English) and we managed to succeed every time. When I started dating my husband who’s first language is Spanish we began frequenting Mexican restaurants. I would order my two tacos and the waitresses would look at me with bewilderment as though they had no idea what I was saying. My husband (then boyfriend) would take over and place my order for me. I remember feeling awkward (not embarrassed) about my American accent and being discouraged by a new self-consciousness that I had never had before.
          Now that I can communicate in Spanish with the best of them I realize that no matter how “American” my accent might have been, there is no way those waitresses could not have understood me when I said taco. They were simply reflecting their own insecurities onto me through the little opportunity that they had. There were many waitresses who were kind and patient, and I feel glad for them because I know they are secure within themselves just as I was when I tried to make those who did not speak fluent English feel comfortable.  Looking back, those not-so-nice waitresses would really benefit from this tip (pardon the pun). J

Supportive listening is the only way for me

Listening to support others consists of four simple concepts. The first is Be Mindful which requires listeners to essentially “read between the lines”. One shouldn’t focus so much on what is being said, but rather what is being conveyed. The second is Be Careful of Expressing Judgments which requires listeners to put aside their self-centeredness and avoid judgmental comments. The third is Understand the Other Person’s Perspective which requires listeners take on the responsibility of avoiding miscommunication and misunderstanding by asking communicators to be as specific and clear as possible. The last concept is Express Support which requires listeners to offer support whether they agree or not! I always knew what type of friends I could do without, but I never knew how to classify them exactly. They were girlfriends who never left me feeling bad about myself exactly, but still nonetheless always feeling something uneasy, unsure, unsatisfied. In reviewing this concept I have since discovered that the types of friends, family, and acquaintances that I want to surround myself with are termed: Supportive listeners. Supportive listeners leave you feeling safe because you are not being judged and understood because they invest effort into trying to understand your perspective. I am proud to say that I have always been a supportive listener and didn’t even know it.