Encouraging Independence

The family life cycle is a seven stage model of family development. Stage four: Encouraging Independence is the stage that most stands out to me as a mother. The reality that I have to prepare my boys to be self-sufficient and not rely on me for success is very daunting. While I accept the fact that people who do well in life need to be independent, it still hurts to know that I need to encourage them to live their own lives because it isn’t what I want. I would love to have them to myself forever. This chapter opened my eyes to something that I was trying to ignore. They are growing up quickly, and part of loving them is making sure that they will always be o.k. It is going to be difficult for me, but I am going to have to start letting go. It is what is best for them, and that is all I really want.

In 50 years marriage will be...

I believe that the majority of marriages will be separate type relationships where independence is an important priority. With both men and women in the workforce, we are beginning to see a new kind of marriage relationship where self reliance is the norm. Divorce is becoming more common and people are not as closed minded as they once were. I believe that gay marriages will be as common as interracial marriages (these relationships were once taboo also but have rightfully gained acceptance in society). The next generation will grow up in a society that is more accepting of one another’s choices. I predict that many people will embrace the idea that life is short and that happiness should be top priority. I do not think that people will invest as much in difficult marriages knowing that second or third marriages are always an option. I think that in the next upcoming fifty years we will see a more lax approach to the sanctity of marriage, but I may be wrong.

Meet my posse:

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away...

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Family is a support system

For me family is a support system. Anyone that enables you faithfully and has given you the comfort of knowing that you can count on them for anything from confiding to protection. I believe that friends who provide this valuable support can be claimed as family, though I recognize that circumstances do not provide for all friends to support each other through thick and thin; only those who can always be relied on should be considered family in my opinion. Right now my family consists of a vital marriage/traditional marriage and we are currently in stage two of the family life cycle with two toddlers at home. My husband works and I am a stay at home mother and student for the time being. We do not apply the social exchange theory to our family dynamic. It is understood that sometimes one of us is simply going to have to do more than our fair share in order to maintain family stability. These differences in contribution may be attributed to my exhaustion, my husband’s lack of presence due to work, viruses, external stresses, family emergencies, etc. We respect and accept the fact that our marriage is more than give and take. We are a supportive unit that allows us the privilege to take when we cannot give, and give when the other is unable. For us, it is quite rare for the give and take to be balanced on both ends. If we were to focus on this, I believe that we would find ourselves dissatisfied and resentful. It is much easier to give when you see it as an honor to help your loved one than an obligation.

Styles of Loving

Chapter 11 states that people identify with their own experiences when defining love. I definitely agree with this. Prior to meeting my husband I was quite vocal about my skepticism when it came to love at first sight. It was not until I personally experienced it for myself with my husband that I was willing to accept love at first sight as a real phenomenon. This just goes to show that we should trust one another’s personal accounts of love and celebrate them instead of questioning or scoffing at them. Love is wonderful and comes in all kinds of forms as we have learned in this chapter. Instead of trying to contain it in a box we should embrace it in all its forms. There is no right or wrong way when it comes to love. Methodical love is no less exciting than dangerous love, and long distance relationships are no less fulfilling than couples who are together 24/7. The key is to decide what works for you and forget about worrying about who likes it or not.

Healthy relationships are both loving and committed

I have never experienced love outside of my relationship with my husband and thankfully it has always been both a loving and committed one. This is not to say that marriage is easy. People who suggest that it is are irresponsible because they discourage newlyweds who tend to compare their relationships with others. Marriage relies heavily on investments and the benefits follow. In marriage, one should enter with the expectations of giving and hold off on focusing on the perks. That said, I have observed many relationships that lack love and/or commitment. These types of relationships seem to be all around us. Either both people do not fully invest, or one person is left wanting more than the other is willing to offer. In either event these relationships are not satisfying because both parties deserve more. It is only once these relationships foster both love and commitment that they begin to grow and prosper. If both cannot be achieved than serious options need to be considered and the issue should be seriously addressed.

Deception: while unethical, is no excuse for allowing oneself to be deceived

Personally, I believe that deceitful people can infest any environment whether it be online or face-to-face. Obviously a forty-five year old man cannot convince someone that he is a twenty-three year old woman in a face-to-face interaction; that said, deception should be just as likely in both circumstances because they involve human interactions, and a large percentage of people practice deceit as a tactic for personal gain. Is this ethical? No. Is it an excuse to be gullible? No. While the reality of deception is unfortunate for people like myself who believe that honesty is the best policy, it does not change the fact that people misrepresent themselves every single day. Consequently, it is our responsibility to “find” the truth in given situations. It is foolish to believe everything that we are being told, especially when it contradicts our experiences. When what someone is saying does not match up to their behavior, one should rely more heavily on the behavior for truth than on the verbal exchange. Since it is common knowledge that people are deceptive, it is each person’s responsibility to uncover the truth for themselves. Although deception is never ethical, it does not change the fact that deceptive people are all around us both online and in face-to-face interactions. This common knowledge makes it all the more difficult to play the victim after being deceived because in hindsight, after reflecting on any given circumstance, signs and warnings are usually apparent. A couple of good rules for both men and women are DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR, ALWAYS PRACTICE GOOD JUDGMENT, and TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

Elaborating on Chapter 10 with the Friendship Page

Like chapter 10, the Friendship Page offers advice on how to maintain friendships and deal with issues that may arise. Overall, promoting successful, respectful, safe relationships between two unrelated people appears to be the theme between the two. Both the book and web page address physical attraction between friends and how to manage these feelings when they arise. If both sources address this issue, it must be a significant one. I can only imagine how awkward a friendship can become if this issue is not addressed appropriately. The risks are high when considering the possibility of losing a confidant. If the desire is not addressed however, one person is left tortured with unfulfilled feelings. This can lead to strong dissatisfaction which can introduce new tensions to an already uncomfortable situation. The best thing in such cases is to be open and honest. Not only is it fair to your friend and your friendship, but it is also fair to yourself. It is better to deal with disappointment than live with “what if’s”.

Investments in Friendship

My best friend and I met in the eighth grade. Though our lives have taken different paths-I am married with children and do not work and she is unmarried with no children and does work-we still seem to have so much in common. We don’t like to talk negatively about people who are having a hard time. We always try to find the reason for someone’s bad choice or behavior (stress, lack of happiness, immaturity). We do not hide our bad experiences; we share everything. We do not judge each other. We never try to “out-do” each other (when she bought her car I was sincerely happy and did not feel the need to upgrade; when I filled my home with new décor she did not feel the need to redo hers). We respect the people in our lives. When someone mistreats us we do not tell one another to cut them off because we are aware that family and friends are loved and we do not want to “badmouth” anyone that we care about. These common values and rules have allowed us to keep investing in our friendship. We have learned that we can trust one another. Throughout the whole of our friendship we have never violated our trust. This chapter conveyed a lot of the aspects of our relationship. We demonstrate closeness through dialogue and our relationship evolved through stages. This chapter reminded me how lucky I am to have her in my life.

Personal Changes

Friendships are affected by both internal tensions and external pressures. I think the most relatable of these two types of friendship risk factors is personal changes because change is inevitable. We all grow into new chapters of our lives and these transitions bring forth new insights, interests, perspectives, and attitudes. A party friend is not as essential for someone who is over the party scene; and someone who is over the party scene is not as useful to someone who parties four times a week. There are many reasons why friendships evolve or fail. Personal changes can greatly affect a friendship because these changes introduce new conditions that must either be accepted or rejected. Pregnancies, careers, relocating, etc. all impact friendship. The extent to which the friendship is affected deals primarily with whether maintaining the relationship is worth the effort. If it is a strong friendship such personal changes will not create sufficient change to alter it in any significant manner.